Shatter the silence.

Sexual abuse of boys is very rare...

 It’s hidden, but not rare. In fact, 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused. Evidence on this figure can be found on the 1in6.org  website:  “The 1 in 6 statistics”

Boys cannot be sexually used or abused…

…and if they are, they can never be real men. This can be a myth projected towards the victim and often internalised by the victim. This is reflected in the lack of services and support for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

If a boy experiences sexual arousal during abuse, he wanted it, he enjoyed it.

It is important to understand that males can respond to sexual stimulation with an erection, even in sexual situations that are traumatic or painful. This lack of understanding causes untold confusion and distress, silencing and shaming the boy, even in adulthood.

Sexual abuse is less harmful to boys than girls.

Large studies such as those conducted by the U.S centre for Disease Control concluded this is not the case. In the words of Ken Clearwater, a tireless campaigner for support for victims of childhood sexual abuse in New Zealand - “Sexual abuse is not a gender issue, it is a human rights issue”.

His Ted Talk can be seen here - https://youtu.be/eC3l70deC7s

Harm mostly depends on things not determined by gender, such as whether you were able to tell anyone and whether you were believed. One man in our support group as a child told his Dad, who replied, “What did you let him do that for, stupid?”.

Most men who sexually abuse boys are gay.

A man who came to our group for a few years never changed his belief that homosexuals are vile, because he perceived the man who abused him was a homosexual because of what he did to him, and concluded that what homosexuals do, abuse boys.

It is not about sexual orientation, boys are abused by mum, dad, teacher, priest, football coach, family friend…

It is not about sexual orientation, it is about violation of a child and the legacy that it leaves that child with well into adulthood, maybe their entire life, and some are not survivors.

Women don’t sexually abuse boys.

A good many men we meet were abused by women or the group of abusers included women. It is not ‘almost unheard of’ and no, they are not “lucky”.

I was sexually abused by a man. Does that mean I am gay? Did it happen because I am gay?

Some men we meet are at ease with their sexual orientation, others are confused and struggle with this for years. Homophobia can have a massive impact on abused boys as they grow into men and it distracts from and diminishes the true roots of distress, their violation as a child and the fact it wasn’t their fault.

It took me a long time to grasp that and feel compassion for myself as a child. I remember mental health workers repeatedly saying, “you were a child, it’s not your fault” and all I thought was, you have no idea what I was like as a child.

For me, it became critical to return to my childhood to understand what happened to me and find the compassion and understanding he deserved, that we both deserve, thus I deserve.

One man at moMENtum explained the first time he attempted to disclose his sexual abuse as a child was to his first Psychiatrist, a lovely caring man. A few weeks later he started a few sessions of CBT and the therapist explained his psychiatrist ‘had requested homosexual aversion therapy for him, but that we don’t do that anymore’.

Most boys who are sexually abused will go onto abuse children when they grow up.

The vast majority of men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse do not go on to abuse children - this is a very damaging myth!

One survivor explained after his abuser’s court case, he finally got some counselling. When the counsellor said “we will need to work on ensuring that you never abuse children because of your experience”, he never went back, and it was years before he looked for help again with a therapist and a support group. He said he would protect his children with his life this will never happen to them.

You try disclosing against all that, it’s not easy to feel safe.

We are all effected by the social and cultural aspects of the societies we grow up in, and live in. Such myths and stereotypical attitudes around masculinity can have damaging impacts on sexually abused boys and men.

Sexual abuse of boys is under reported, under-recognised, poorly understood and under believed - we campaign to change that and work with other organisation to provide the men they become with a safe space to disclose and heal.

All victims and survivors of childhood sexual abuse need to have support available to them when and as they need, it in the way they need it and for the time they need it. Behind these myths and facts are lives affected, realities not just stories.

Don’t feel alone with yours. Let’s end the myths and isolation and start healing.

Whenever you are ready, we are here to believe, understand and support each other in our healing.

 Call  07773 151080